In which I am a very lucky girl.

I have mentioned on these pages that what I want MORE THAN ANYTHING (MTA) is to see a Picathartes (a medium sized very rare bird that looks a bit like a very stupid pheasant).  If you do not remember this then I am not entirely surprised; I have probably mentioned about ten things of varying ridiculousness that I want MTA.  (Grant and I have actually worked out a system in which I am allowed to want something MTA once a day).  However, in the global scale of MTAs seeing a Picathartes ranks somewhere near the top.  And it’s right at the top of the Salone scale (after, potentially, a supermarket that sells French wine and ham and cheese  at Asda Prices).

Next weekend is my birthday and to celebrate my attaining my quarter century Grant has organised a little trip to the Gola Forest in the east of the country.  That one of the largest known colonies of Picathartes is said to dwell just three hours from the edge of this glorious jungle is not entirely coincidental.  I know what you’re thinking: “He must be the best boyfriend ever!  He is, for her birthday, exerting himself to make her* most cherished dreams come true!”  And in this you would not be far wrong; he is acceptable in some ways.  And I am moderately fond of him.

However, he is a great disappointment to me in a number of ways:

1. He persists in failing to notice that I am perfect.  He sometimes even has the temerity to say that I am wrong.
2. He has not proved to be the cards nemesis that I had hoped.  Our only bout of head to head card gaming ended in a 4-1 victory for me.  (That we were playing a game whose result is almost entirely determined by chance is strictly not relevant.  He has also asked me to point out that we were playing by my rules.  And?)
3. He has yet to fully grasp that in relation to 90% of the questions I ask him I do not want his opinion.  What I want is for him to tell me what I want to hear.  I am a woman, which complicates matters considerably as it means that what I want to hear is not always ‘yes’, but must be gleaned from the question or, more often, the tone in which the question is asked.  His progress in understanding this leaves something to be desired and I thought, therefore, that I should provide a helpful guide here.  Below are a sample list of statements followed by the appropriate response:

“Don’t you think So-And-So looked well?”

• If So-And-So is old or male or family: AGREE.
•  If So-And-So is female and young: DISAGREE, perhaps with elucidation: “I thought she had rather let herself go recently/had put on a bit of weight/looked like she got dressed in a dark room.”  [NB Don’t go too overboard on this; there’s such a thing as protesting too much…]

“Does my bum look bit in this?”

• DISAGREE, but see below caveat.
• Caveat: Occasionally I will be testing you.  I would lose faith in your “opinion” (ie ability to mirror my own hunch) if you always agree with me, and therefore you must sometimes tell me that what I am wearing is not your favourite.  This should be couched in positive terms, however.  I would suggest the following “That one looks fine, but I’d love you to wear that-red-dress-you-so-cleverly-bought-for-only-the-price-of-a-small-house.  You look especially gorgeous in that”.  It is key, of course, that you both manage to attain an air of complete and unmitigated sincerity, and, more importantly, that you do not adopt these tactics at any old moment.  Disagreement with my clothing options should be reserved for moments when I am giving you a look that tells you that I wish you to disagree with my clothing options ( in case you had not got this yet there is no room for flexibility, creativity or freedom of speech in this system).  Crystal clear?  Good.

“Would you like, this evening, to go to the pub for the rugby/have your favourite meal cooked for you/finally watch that blood and guts film that you’re been wanting to see for so long?”

• DISAGREE.  What I am trying to do here is to demonstrate how supportive I am of you.  This does not extend to actually doing the above mentioned things.
• Extension:  It is often good, after you have disagreed, to continue with a statement such as the following.  “You are much too good to me already.  Why don’t you just sit and relax while I go and procure a large tub of Ben & Jerry’s and the new Twilight movie.”

The above flaws rankle particularly because, you’ve guessed it, I am the perfect girlfriend:

1. I can make acceptable toast.  (Contrary to popular belief man can live by bread alone.  In the interests of full disclosure I should confess that we do not, in Sierra Leone, have a toaster, which does rather prevent the only ‘culinary exploit’ that I am confident to undertake.  See, I’m honest too!)
2. I am immensely practical.  I recently learnt (with some help from a very nice man at Scottish Water who I rang to complain that my morning shower was cold) that hot water is not delivered to my house in a pipe as cold water is.  Hot water is heated up within my house.  I am pretty sure that not too many people can know this or it would not have slipped under my radar for 23 years.  Perhaps a career as a plumber beckons if this development malarkey falls through?
3. I am very supportive.  Yesterday I went to witness his first TV appearance (which took the form of an interview about the new Innovate Salone ‘A de mek am’ competition – see previous post, which was aired on Sierra Leonean TV on the 19^th April and can be viewed online.  Link to follow.).  This was, admittedly, partly so that I could bask in his reflected glory, but also so that I could record his 15 minutes (it was actually more like 50.  FIFTY MINUTES.  Just SEE how supportive I am) of fame.  Which I did admirably.  I managed to capture all of the first minute of the show (in which he was not speaking) before his camera battery died.  This tragic occurrence may or may not have had something to do with the 20 minutes I had just spent zooming into 80% of our Guinea photos to see if I could discern any wrinkles in my soon-to-be-25 year old forehead.

Yup, he’s a lucky lucky man.

*I also feel it relevant to point out at this stage that this expedition organising is not QUITE as selfless and disinterested as you might currently be imagining; he wants to see this fine feathered friend as much as I do…